Recently, I've known so many friends and clients who have lost a parent. Even when you know it's coming, the death of a parent can be a very shocking and life-changing experience. Suddenly the person that you turned to for their wisdom and their advice is no longer available. Suddenly you may find yourself the oldest generation of the family.
Oftentime, people neglect themselves during this time because they are focused on the loved one. With that in mind, I offer these suggestions from Dyer K. 2002. How to Cope with Loss, Grief, Death & Dying
1.Take it one hour at a time, one day at a time.
2.In as much as possible maintain a normal routine. Keep doing your regular activities.
3.Get enough sleep or at least enough rest.
4.Regular exercise, even just walking, helps to relieve stress, tension and improve a person's overall mood.
5.Eat a balanced healthy diet with plenty of water. This will help your body keep functioning during the time of added stress. Limit the high calorie and junk "comfort" foods.
6.Avoid using alcohol, medications or other drugs to mask the pain.
7.Do those things and be with the people who nurture, comfort and recharge you.
8.Talk to or interact with others (inperson or online groups), especially those who have lived through and survived similar experiences. They may provide valuable insights for coping.
9.Do something creative--writing, journaling, gardening, painting, woodworking, building, photography--to express the intense feelings.
10.Remember the coping strategies used to survive past challenges. Draw upon these inner strengths again.
Friday, September 18, 2009
Monday, September 7, 2009
Don't get stuck in past or future
Oftentimes clients come in and report the same past hurts over and over. They know that they are stuck in the past and that the past can't be changed, but they go back over and over to re-visit these hurts, slights, tragedies, etc.
Then there are those that are immobilized because of things that "might happen" next week, tomorrow or even later today. Still, it's the future.
The reality is that life happens in the present and that's the only thing we can really do anything about. Do YOU have trouble staying in the present? A technique to become present, according to Lea Cordon, is to "Picture 2 boxes in your head, one for the past and one for the future. Concentrate on inhaling and exhaling deeply. If thoughts come to your mind sort them into one of the 2 boxes until your mind feels quiet and at peace."
Where will YOU spend this Labor Day?? Have a good one!
Then there are those that are immobilized because of things that "might happen" next week, tomorrow or even later today. Still, it's the future.
The reality is that life happens in the present and that's the only thing we can really do anything about. Do YOU have trouble staying in the present? A technique to become present, according to Lea Cordon, is to "Picture 2 boxes in your head, one for the past and one for the future. Concentrate on inhaling and exhaling deeply. If thoughts come to your mind sort them into one of the 2 boxes until your mind feels quiet and at peace."
Where will YOU spend this Labor Day?? Have a good one!
Friday, September 4, 2009
Learning to Dance in the Rain
Do you know what a blessing it is to be able to choose your attitude? We can't change other people, places or things, but can change how we react to things. Watch this little video and tell me what you think!
http://www.danceintherainmovie.com/. I think it's excellent!
Have a wonderful Labor Day holiday!
Alice
http://www.danceintherainmovie.com/. I think it's excellent!
Have a wonderful Labor Day holiday!
Alice
Sunday, August 30, 2009
Learning to be patient: your day will go better!
Could you use some more patience? We live in an impatient society and it takes a toll on everyone. Try these steps and try to be patient with YOURSELF!
1.Try to figure out why you're in such a hurry. We tend to lose our patience when we're multi-tasking or when we're on a tight schedule. If you're stretching yourself too thin, you should reconsider your to-do list before you attempt to change your natural reaction to an overwhelming situation. Try to spread out your tasks so that you're doing only one thing at a time. Delegate responsibilities to others if you can; this in itself may be a test of your patience, but you have to learn to share the load.
2.Pinpoint the triggers that often make you lose your patience. Impatience creeps in insidiously, and if you feel anxious, worried, or unhappy you may not even realize that the underlying cause of these feelings is impatience. To reduce the frequency of impatience, it helps to be aware of it. Which events, people, phrases or circumstances always seem to make you lose your cool? Sit down and make a list of all the things which cause you anxiety, tension, or frustration. At the core of most triggers is a reality that we have a hard time accepting. What are those realities for you?
3.Overcome bouts of impatience. In the long run, developing patience requires a change in your attitude about life, but you can immediately make progress by learning to relax whenever you feel impatient. Take a few deep breaths and just try to clear your mind. Concentrate on breathing and you'll be able to get your bearings.
4.Look for patterns. Being aware of your impatience also gives you a chance to learn from it and perhaps uncover a relationship or circumstance that is simply not healthy or constructive, and that you may have the power to change. Figure that out, and you can then think logically about the problem issue and decide whether or not your impatience is warranted or helpful. It usually isn't, but when it is you can then figure out ways to fix the root problem rather than simply feeling stressed about it.
5.Let go if you can't do anything about the impatience trigger. If there isn't anything that you can do to resolve whatever has triggered your impatience, just let it go. Easier said than done, yes, but it's possible, and it's the only healthy thing to do. Initially, you will probably find it difficult to let go if the matter is important to you--waiting to hear back after a job interview, for instance--but you should be able to alleviate impatience that's caused by issues of less consequence (i.e. waiting in line at the grocery store). If you make a concerted effort to be more patient in relatively inconsequential, short-term situations, you'll gradually develop the strength to remain patient in even the most trying and enduring situations.
6.Remind yourself that things take time. People who are impatient are people who insist on getting things done now and don't like to waste time. However, some things just can't be rushed. Think about your happiest memories. Chances are, they were instances when your patience paid off, like when you worked steadily towards a goal that wasn't immediately gratifying, or took a little extra time to spend leisurely with a loved one. Would you have those memories if you had been impatient? Probably not. Almost anything really good in life takes time and dedication, and if you're impatient, you're more likely to give up on relationships, goals, and other things that are important to you. Good things may not always come to those who wait, but most good things that do come don't come right away.
7.Expect the unexpected. Yes, you have plans, but things don't always work out as planned. Accept the twist and turns in life gracefully. Keep your expectations realistic. This applies not only to circumstances, but also the behavior of those around you. If you find yourself blowing up over your child or your spouse accidentally spilling a drink, you're not in touch with the fact that people aren't perfect. Even if the occasion is not an isolated incident but is instead caused by their repeated neglect and carelessness, losing your patience isn't going to make it any better. That's something to be addressed with discussion and self-control.
8.Give yourself a break. The meaning of this is twofold. First, take a few minutes to do absolutely nothing. Just sit quietly and think. Don't watch television; don't even read. Do nothing. It may be hard at first, and you may even feel pretty impatient after a minute or two, but by taking some time out you can essentially slow your world down, and that's important to develop the attitude necessary to develop patience. Second, stop holding yourself and the world around you to unreachable standards. Sure, we'd all be more patient if babies didn't cry, dishes didn't break, computers didn't crash, and people didn't make mistakes--but that's never going to happen. Expecting the world to run smoothly is like beating your head against the wall. Give yourself a break.
9.Remember what matters. Not focusing on what matters most in this life fuels impatience. Move the world toward peace by being kind, generous in forgiveness of others, being grateful for what is, and taking full advantage of what matters most. When other less important things fuel our impatience, taking time to remember any one of these items reduces our tendency to want something different right now.
Sunday, August 16, 2009
Tips for Dealing with Back-to-School Anxiety
The countdown to the start of the school year has begun. And while most kids aren’t exactly looking forward to it, some kids are truly dreading the return to the classroom.
Anxiety over making new friends, being in a new school, facing bullies, feeling “uncool” or coping with academic pressure can make even a well-adjusted child anxious. And that anxiety or fear can build up in a child’s mind, leading them to act on it in many ways — from tummy aches and sleep problems to out-and-out refusal to go to school — says a University of Michigan Health System child psychologist.
Fortunately, there’s still time to do something about it. Parents can start now, in the summer, to help kids face their fears and calm their worries, says Michelle Kees, Ph.D.
Most kids can overcome their fears with the help of a parent, she says. But for children who show signs of anxiety over a longer period, or intense fears, parents shouldn’t hesitate to seek professional help from someone trained to help children and teens with anxiety problems and other mental health issues. As many as 5 percent of children have expressed some sort of prolonged “school refusal,” experts estimate.
Fear of school can also have its roots in other situations — such as stressful home events, learning problems or bullying — that need prompt attention. And serious untreated anxiety in childhood can put a child at risk for problems later in life.
“Going back to school can be a very exciting time for children, or it can be a time of great anxiety, apprehension and uncertainty,” says Kees, a clinical assistant professor of psychiatry, who treats children with anxiety disorders through the U-M Child & Adolescent Psychiatry clinic. “With any change that we experience in our lives, natural emotions such as anxiety can emerge. For children, this becomes more pronounced because every year they have this new experience of returning to school or starting at a new school.”
If kids and parents don’t deal with the anxiety and its causes, Kees says, “it can get out of control very easily. Often times, it’s a vicious cycle where a child will feel anxious about going to school, the parent will feel badly for the child, and allow them to stay home. The next day, it becomes even more difficult for that child to go to school.”
So, no matter what, parents shouldn’t let anxiety keep kids away from school, she says. Talk to school counselors and teachers, and mental health professionals if need be, to figure out what might be done. And most important of all, work hard to talk openly with your child about what’s worrying them, and how they might deal with it.
Depending on your child’s age, different things might be causing them to worry, and different techniques might be able to ease their back-to-school fears, Kees explains. She offers this advice:
Kindergarten and elementary school children
Parents of young kids often have a lump in their throat as they send their child off for the first day of kindergarten or first grade. Kids can pick up on that nervousness, says Kees, making their own worries even more intense. Months of buildup to the start of school, talking about it as a big event in the child’s young life, can also make a child anxious.
“Young kids who are anxious might avoid talking about going to school, or about school supplies, or about going to get their new school supplies,” says Kees. “Parents should begin early by opening a line of communication even with young children about school experiences and expectations, and about a child’s thoughts and feelings about school. Help children connect with their school by visiting it before school starts, especially if it’s a school they haven’t attended before.”
Shopping together for school supplies, and using the shopping trip as a time to talk about what to expect at school, can be a healthy way to keep a child talking. Parents should also try to connect their child with future classmates. “If a child knows someone who is going to be in the same classroom, that can greatly reduce their apprehension and fear of the unknown,” says Kees.
What if the first week of school arrives and a child still doesn’t want to go to school? He or she might not say it directly, but rather claim to have a tummy ache, a sore throat or a headache that quickly disappears once it’s decided to keep him or her home from school. Kids might hide when it’s time to get ready to go to school, or throw temper tantrums. Anxiety can also cause a child to have trouble sleeping or have nightmares while they’re sleeping. Little ones especially may become very clingy, and not want to leave a parent’s side – especially if they aren’t used to being away from parents during the day.
All of these signs of anxiety may end soon after the start of school. But if they continue for several weeks, Kees recommends that parents talk to a school professional or mental health counselor.
Middle school children
Making the transition from a small elementary school to a bigger middle school with different classes and more difficult work can be a big hurdle for some pre-teens. This age also comes with the added issue of meeting new children and facing social pressures about clothes, appearance and other things.
“For parents, recognizing anxiety in middle-school children can sometimes be difficult. This is the age when friends start to become more important than parents in a child’s view, and they may not share their feelings with you,” says Kees. “Possible indicators include coming up with excuses for not riding the bus or staying at planned school activities, or any behavior that involves avoiding going to school.”
Children who withdraw from friends or family, seem sad or less energetic, or just “aren’t themselves” may be experiencing issues about going to school or something more serious such as depression.
“If parents notice a dramatic change in their child’s attitude about school, their level of enjoyment or interest, as well as their performance, this is a red flag that something might be going on that should be addressed,” Kees explains. Parents can start by talking with their child’s teacher or school counselor, and perhaps seek advice from a mental health professional in the community.
High school students
Health Minute ImageBy the time they reach high school, kids face a growing amount of responsibility at school, including pressure to fit in, and to do well academically in order to prepare for college or technical school. This is also the time of a young person’s life when they develop their own identity and the self-confidence needed to be independent.
Starting high school comes with a whole range of anxieties, says Kees. “The fear of starting high school and thinking, ‘Where do I fit in, what will people think of me, and will there be peer pressure to do things I don’t want to do,’ can be quite overwhelming as a freshman, or even later,” she says.
Teens tend to talk with their friends rather than their parents when something is bothering them, says Kees, and if their parents ask if something’s wrong, they may deny it. But parents can try to keep the lines of communication open by talking to teens about their friends, about their interests and activities, and anything else that might help a teen “open up” and say if something’s on their mind. Teens with anxiety issues may also have frequent headaches, dizziness, nausea and muscle aches that don’t seem to have any cause, or may have trouble sleeping.
Anxiety and depression can go hand-in-hand in teens, and the late teen years are a peak time for depression to begin. Parents should keep an eye out for major changes in their teen’s behavior and attitudes, loss of interest in things that once held their attention, large drops in their grades, aggression or irritability, or withdrawal from friends and family. These kinds of signs can signal a more serious problem that will need professional help to address.
When anxiety about school “masks” something else
Kids of any age who don’t want to go to school, or avoid it, may be doing so because of a specific issue beyond general anxiety, worry or depression, Kees notes.
“Children who are bullied or teased often become anxious about going to school, and if the problem is not addressed, the anxiety will continue along with a host of other problems,” she says. “Similarly, children who are avoiding school may be doing so because school is hard for them — school anxiety many times emerges just before a child is diagnosed with a learning difficulty.”
The bottom line, she says, is for parents to reach out to their kids and talk honestly about what’s going on. And, if problems persist, reach out for help — through the school, the child’s doctor or nurse, or a mental health professional.
source: http://www.med.umich.edu/opm/newspage/2006/hmschoolanxiety.htm
Anxiety over making new friends, being in a new school, facing bullies, feeling “uncool” or coping with academic pressure can make even a well-adjusted child anxious. And that anxiety or fear can build up in a child’s mind, leading them to act on it in many ways — from tummy aches and sleep problems to out-and-out refusal to go to school — says a University of Michigan Health System child psychologist.
Fortunately, there’s still time to do something about it. Parents can start now, in the summer, to help kids face their fears and calm their worries, says Michelle Kees, Ph.D.
Most kids can overcome their fears with the help of a parent, she says. But for children who show signs of anxiety over a longer period, or intense fears, parents shouldn’t hesitate to seek professional help from someone trained to help children and teens with anxiety problems and other mental health issues. As many as 5 percent of children have expressed some sort of prolonged “school refusal,” experts estimate.
Fear of school can also have its roots in other situations — such as stressful home events, learning problems or bullying — that need prompt attention. And serious untreated anxiety in childhood can put a child at risk for problems later in life.
“Going back to school can be a very exciting time for children, or it can be a time of great anxiety, apprehension and uncertainty,” says Kees, a clinical assistant professor of psychiatry, who treats children with anxiety disorders through the U-M Child & Adolescent Psychiatry clinic. “With any change that we experience in our lives, natural emotions such as anxiety can emerge. For children, this becomes more pronounced because every year they have this new experience of returning to school or starting at a new school.”
If kids and parents don’t deal with the anxiety and its causes, Kees says, “it can get out of control very easily. Often times, it’s a vicious cycle where a child will feel anxious about going to school, the parent will feel badly for the child, and allow them to stay home. The next day, it becomes even more difficult for that child to go to school.”
So, no matter what, parents shouldn’t let anxiety keep kids away from school, she says. Talk to school counselors and teachers, and mental health professionals if need be, to figure out what might be done. And most important of all, work hard to talk openly with your child about what’s worrying them, and how they might deal with it.
Depending on your child’s age, different things might be causing them to worry, and different techniques might be able to ease their back-to-school fears, Kees explains. She offers this advice:
Kindergarten and elementary school children
Parents of young kids often have a lump in their throat as they send their child off for the first day of kindergarten or first grade. Kids can pick up on that nervousness, says Kees, making their own worries even more intense. Months of buildup to the start of school, talking about it as a big event in the child’s young life, can also make a child anxious.
“Young kids who are anxious might avoid talking about going to school, or about school supplies, or about going to get their new school supplies,” says Kees. “Parents should begin early by opening a line of communication even with young children about school experiences and expectations, and about a child’s thoughts and feelings about school. Help children connect with their school by visiting it before school starts, especially if it’s a school they haven’t attended before.”
Shopping together for school supplies, and using the shopping trip as a time to talk about what to expect at school, can be a healthy way to keep a child talking. Parents should also try to connect their child with future classmates. “If a child knows someone who is going to be in the same classroom, that can greatly reduce their apprehension and fear of the unknown,” says Kees.
What if the first week of school arrives and a child still doesn’t want to go to school? He or she might not say it directly, but rather claim to have a tummy ache, a sore throat or a headache that quickly disappears once it’s decided to keep him or her home from school. Kids might hide when it’s time to get ready to go to school, or throw temper tantrums. Anxiety can also cause a child to have trouble sleeping or have nightmares while they’re sleeping. Little ones especially may become very clingy, and not want to leave a parent’s side – especially if they aren’t used to being away from parents during the day.
All of these signs of anxiety may end soon after the start of school. But if they continue for several weeks, Kees recommends that parents talk to a school professional or mental health counselor.
Middle school children
Making the transition from a small elementary school to a bigger middle school with different classes and more difficult work can be a big hurdle for some pre-teens. This age also comes with the added issue of meeting new children and facing social pressures about clothes, appearance and other things.
“For parents, recognizing anxiety in middle-school children can sometimes be difficult. This is the age when friends start to become more important than parents in a child’s view, and they may not share their feelings with you,” says Kees. “Possible indicators include coming up with excuses for not riding the bus or staying at planned school activities, or any behavior that involves avoiding going to school.”
Children who withdraw from friends or family, seem sad or less energetic, or just “aren’t themselves” may be experiencing issues about going to school or something more serious such as depression.
“If parents notice a dramatic change in their child’s attitude about school, their level of enjoyment or interest, as well as their performance, this is a red flag that something might be going on that should be addressed,” Kees explains. Parents can start by talking with their child’s teacher or school counselor, and perhaps seek advice from a mental health professional in the community.
High school students
Health Minute ImageBy the time they reach high school, kids face a growing amount of responsibility at school, including pressure to fit in, and to do well academically in order to prepare for college or technical school. This is also the time of a young person’s life when they develop their own identity and the self-confidence needed to be independent.
Starting high school comes with a whole range of anxieties, says Kees. “The fear of starting high school and thinking, ‘Where do I fit in, what will people think of me, and will there be peer pressure to do things I don’t want to do,’ can be quite overwhelming as a freshman, or even later,” she says.
Teens tend to talk with their friends rather than their parents when something is bothering them, says Kees, and if their parents ask if something’s wrong, they may deny it. But parents can try to keep the lines of communication open by talking to teens about their friends, about their interests and activities, and anything else that might help a teen “open up” and say if something’s on their mind. Teens with anxiety issues may also have frequent headaches, dizziness, nausea and muscle aches that don’t seem to have any cause, or may have trouble sleeping.
Anxiety and depression can go hand-in-hand in teens, and the late teen years are a peak time for depression to begin. Parents should keep an eye out for major changes in their teen’s behavior and attitudes, loss of interest in things that once held their attention, large drops in their grades, aggression or irritability, or withdrawal from friends and family. These kinds of signs can signal a more serious problem that will need professional help to address.
When anxiety about school “masks” something else
Kids of any age who don’t want to go to school, or avoid it, may be doing so because of a specific issue beyond general anxiety, worry or depression, Kees notes.
“Children who are bullied or teased often become anxious about going to school, and if the problem is not addressed, the anxiety will continue along with a host of other problems,” she says. “Similarly, children who are avoiding school may be doing so because school is hard for them — school anxiety many times emerges just before a child is diagnosed with a learning difficulty.”
The bottom line, she says, is for parents to reach out to their kids and talk honestly about what’s going on. And, if problems persist, reach out for help — through the school, the child’s doctor or nurse, or a mental health professional.
source: http://www.med.umich.edu/opm/newspage/2006/hmschoolanxiety.htm
Wednesday, August 12, 2009
Hurt people, hurt people: Tips on Anger Management
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"Hurt people, hurt people." In other words, people who hurt others with their actions and words are people who are hurting inside themselves! When someone lashes out at another person, they are expressing their hurt in a destructive and irresponsible manner. Feelings of hurt and pain are normal parts of everyday life. Therefore, it is important to find solutions to our problems that are constructive and responsible in order to enjoy the pleasures that life has to offer, as well.
Feelings never tell us what to do. They only tell us that something requires our attention. So negative feelings can play a positive role in our lives. We must put ourselves in control of the painful emotions rather than be controlled by them. The first step in taking control is to ask the question, "What is causing these feelings?"
Sometimes the cause of the feelings is from recent events-job loss or health decline. Other times, the cause is a manifestation of negative emotion from long ago-unresolved issues of adolescence. Take the time to ask the question, think, and seek answers. This is important whether you are the one who is angry or the one who is on the receiving end of an angry person's wrath.
If you are angry and find yourself hurting others, here are some things that should help you deal with your feelings in a more constructive way:
1. Be mindful that you are entitled to the full range of feelings that life has to offer, one of which is pain. Make up your mind that you are not entitled to hurt others with those feelings. It is normal to feel pain. It is unacceptable to inflict it.
2. Take note of what makes you want to act ugly, sullen, and resentful. Is there a pattern? Do your assumptions about people and life need adjustments so that you're not so upset by (often unrelated or minor) irritants?
3. Remain current with your feelings and needs. Don't put off taking care of yourself. Feel pain, acknowledge it, and search for solutions. Reactions that are solution-oriented help you find good ways to deal with hurt.
4. Change you attitude about hurt. This allows you to avoid hurt in the first place. By this, I don't mean you should avoid things that make you feel bad. Adopt a personal policy not to let negative emotion control you. When you decide to take control, pain can't fester into an uncontrollable monster.
5. Don't choose the pain. I hate to say this, but some people hurt, because they choose to hurt. They decide that something is worth suffering over and believe that they need to "dwell here now." That's not to say that you should no longer discriminate between right and wrong. However, be more discriminating about that on which you're willing to expend mental energy.
6. Approach people and situations with patience and understanding. This causes you to slow down and act less impulsively. Imagine that a child spills milk at the table and an adult goes bonkers. The adult hasn't stopped to think about the fact that when children are growing up, the latter are clumsy at different developmental stages by nature, and that the spilt milk was not intentional or the result of laziness.
7. Look for non-destructive ways to express your anger. Being current, as previously mentioned, is one way. Others include, but are not limited to, taking slow deep breaths, biting your tongue, holding in your stomach, counting to ten, meditating, contemplating and praying. All of us do better when we control our impulses when expressing anger.
If you're someone who finds yourself in a hurt person's line of fire, you need some tools to manage their feelings as well as your own. Some options include:
1. Let them vent. Listen to their frustrations before you speak or act. Never interrupt, because until you hear their story, you know nothing. Find out as much as you can about the source of their pain and you'll know why they're angry.
2. Assess your level of responsibility in causing their pain. If you are directly involved, take responsibility and make things right. However, often you will find that you are not the target or cause of the pain. If you were just in the right place at the right time, don't take it personally.
3. Adopt an attitude of forgiveness. Try to understand that when people are hurt, they don't always think clearly and they say things that they don't really mean. It's easy to be consumed with reciprocal anger, so avoid the urge by forgiving them.
4. Be mindful of how you respond to them. The goal is to make things better, not worse. Sometimes they just want someone to acknowledge their pain. You can do so by saying something like, "I don't know just what to do to help you right now, but I want you to know how sorry I am about this."
5. Take control of your own feelings. Don't give up your power to them by allowing their words to control the way you respond. Their pain, even when directed at you, does not define you.
Hurt people can only hurt others if allowed to do so. With adults, know that you can judge the size of a person by the size of the things that they allow to make them angry. Yes, we've all had initial feelings of hurt as the result of others' actions and words. But, when we take a moment to really look at the situation, all of us have the power to draw the line and refuse to accept another's hurt.
Remember that people say and do boneheaded things from time to time without thinking. People forget, lose their tempers, underachieve by our standards, break promises, cheat, lie and do other things that disappoint us. Make allowances for people's differences. Human beings make errors. Values amongst us are varied. If you keep your standards very high, you are subject to be more sensitive around people with low standards. If you have low standards, you will feel offended and slighted by those who have high standards. That said, the bottom line is this: when someone is hurting someone else, they are acting from a place of pain and hurt. Diminish the hurt to make room for enrichment. Instead of hurt people hurting people, you then have enriched people enriching people.
Printer friendly page
"Hurt people, hurt people." In other words, people who hurt others with their actions and words are people who are hurting inside themselves! When someone lashes out at another person, they are expressing their hurt in a destructive and irresponsible manner. Feelings of hurt and pain are normal parts of everyday life. Therefore, it is important to find solutions to our problems that are constructive and responsible in order to enjoy the pleasures that life has to offer, as well.
Feelings never tell us what to do. They only tell us that something requires our attention. So negative feelings can play a positive role in our lives. We must put ourselves in control of the painful emotions rather than be controlled by them. The first step in taking control is to ask the question, "What is causing these feelings?"
Sometimes the cause of the feelings is from recent events-job loss or health decline. Other times, the cause is a manifestation of negative emotion from long ago-unresolved issues of adolescence. Take the time to ask the question, think, and seek answers. This is important whether you are the one who is angry or the one who is on the receiving end of an angry person's wrath.
If you are angry and find yourself hurting others, here are some things that should help you deal with your feelings in a more constructive way:
1. Be mindful that you are entitled to the full range of feelings that life has to offer, one of which is pain. Make up your mind that you are not entitled to hurt others with those feelings. It is normal to feel pain. It is unacceptable to inflict it.
2. Take note of what makes you want to act ugly, sullen, and resentful. Is there a pattern? Do your assumptions about people and life need adjustments so that you're not so upset by (often unrelated or minor) irritants?
3. Remain current with your feelings and needs. Don't put off taking care of yourself. Feel pain, acknowledge it, and search for solutions. Reactions that are solution-oriented help you find good ways to deal with hurt.
4. Change you attitude about hurt. This allows you to avoid hurt in the first place. By this, I don't mean you should avoid things that make you feel bad. Adopt a personal policy not to let negative emotion control you. When you decide to take control, pain can't fester into an uncontrollable monster.
5. Don't choose the pain. I hate to say this, but some people hurt, because they choose to hurt. They decide that something is worth suffering over and believe that they need to "dwell here now." That's not to say that you should no longer discriminate between right and wrong. However, be more discriminating about that on which you're willing to expend mental energy.
6. Approach people and situations with patience and understanding. This causes you to slow down and act less impulsively. Imagine that a child spills milk at the table and an adult goes bonkers. The adult hasn't stopped to think about the fact that when children are growing up, the latter are clumsy at different developmental stages by nature, and that the spilt milk was not intentional or the result of laziness.
7. Look for non-destructive ways to express your anger. Being current, as previously mentioned, is one way. Others include, but are not limited to, taking slow deep breaths, biting your tongue, holding in your stomach, counting to ten, meditating, contemplating and praying. All of us do better when we control our impulses when expressing anger.
If you're someone who finds yourself in a hurt person's line of fire, you need some tools to manage their feelings as well as your own. Some options include:
1. Let them vent. Listen to their frustrations before you speak or act. Never interrupt, because until you hear their story, you know nothing. Find out as much as you can about the source of their pain and you'll know why they're angry.
2. Assess your level of responsibility in causing their pain. If you are directly involved, take responsibility and make things right. However, often you will find that you are not the target or cause of the pain. If you were just in the right place at the right time, don't take it personally.
3. Adopt an attitude of forgiveness. Try to understand that when people are hurt, they don't always think clearly and they say things that they don't really mean. It's easy to be consumed with reciprocal anger, so avoid the urge by forgiving them.
4. Be mindful of how you respond to them. The goal is to make things better, not worse. Sometimes they just want someone to acknowledge their pain. You can do so by saying something like, "I don't know just what to do to help you right now, but I want you to know how sorry I am about this."
5. Take control of your own feelings. Don't give up your power to them by allowing their words to control the way you respond. Their pain, even when directed at you, does not define you.
Hurt people can only hurt others if allowed to do so. With adults, know that you can judge the size of a person by the size of the things that they allow to make them angry. Yes, we've all had initial feelings of hurt as the result of others' actions and words. But, when we take a moment to really look at the situation, all of us have the power to draw the line and refuse to accept another's hurt.
Remember that people say and do boneheaded things from time to time without thinking. People forget, lose their tempers, underachieve by our standards, break promises, cheat, lie and do other things that disappoint us. Make allowances for people's differences. Human beings make errors. Values amongst us are varied. If you keep your standards very high, you are subject to be more sensitive around people with low standards. If you have low standards, you will feel offended and slighted by those who have high standards. That said, the bottom line is this: when someone is hurting someone else, they are acting from a place of pain and hurt. Diminish the hurt to make room for enrichment. Instead of hurt people hurting people, you then have enriched people enriching people.
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