Looking for the Perfect Relationship?

If you're looking for the perfect relationship, I have some bad news for you: there is no such thing! It is purely a figment of Hollywood and romantic fiction novelists. Bottom line? No individual is perfect therefore a perfect relationship isn't going to happen either! But forget about perfection anyway! Perfection doesn't exist in our world but people can definitely have wonderful, beautiful, awesome and extremely satisfying relationships!

Please watch this wisdom-filled video from my friend Abraham Hicks and let me know what you think!

Have a wonder-filled week!

Dealing with Toxic People in the Workplace

We all know them; we all deal with them as best we can, but what do the experts say?


Anyone who’s ever worked in an office or served on a large, longstanding committee probably knows this scenario – when you find yourself getting overly aggravated, disrupted or distracted by an angry, dysfunctional fellow worker.



Check out this excellent advice from psychotherapist Phillip Chard, who suggests guided imagery. When having a reasonable conversation isn’t an option, going inward with guided imagery is the way to go:



Nancy works with an emotionally toxic person.



This individual has a talent for agitating her co-workers, a feat she accomplishes by being disrespectful, hypercritical and sarcastic.



"She verbally attacks people all the time, even in meetings, so everybody in our work group is intimidated by her," Nancy reported.



Management has turned a blind eye to the mess, leaving this woman's colleagues to fend for themselves.

And they've tried, albeit unsuccessfully.



"I've read books and gone to workshops on conflict management, and even worked with a personal coach, but I still get the same result - she doesn't change," Nancy lamented.



The conflict resolution methods Nancy utilized rely on saying things in a certain way, as if the right words, expressions and interactive tone will somehow transform Ms. Toxicity into a more respectful soul. Such rational methods can work on occasion.



However, because toxic people are driven by hostility and unconscious mental scripts, they require a different strategy, one that focuses less on changing an adversary's behavior and more on altering one's own while with him or her.



"You're trying to change how this woman behaves around you, but you may get further by changing your own behavior instead," I suggested.



The greatest power an emotionally toxic person wields is to influence the state of consciousness in someone else.



If such individuals can push your hot buttons and control your feelings and reactions, then they triumph.



"You've abdicated mastery of your own state of mind and behavior to this woman," I told Nancy. "Now, you need to take it back."



Just as one can train the body to acquire certain physical skills, the capacity to manage one's consciousness, including thoughts and feelings, can also be learned.



A variety of psychological disciplines can help, including guided imagery, mental rehearsal, role playing, the use of personal mantras and so on.



In Nancy's case, she chose guided imagery.



While with her toxic co-worker, she visualized an orb of light inside her body, one that expanded in size and intensity each time she inhaled - like inflating a balloon.



She thought of it as a kind of invisible force field of psychic energy surrounding her.



Inside this "sphere of energy," Nancy remained calm, grounded and insulated from Ms. Toxicity's mayhem.



And each time this adversary tried to unbalance her with a nasty remark or critical expression, Nancy simply focused on visualizing her "force field" and maintaining control of her inner state.



The result?



Unable to manipulate Nancy's consciousness, Ms. Toxicity gradually began treating her with greater respect.



Toxic types wield their power by disrupting your capacity to remain in charge of your emotions and state of mind.



By refusing to react on that person's terms, you regain your personal power and demonstrate that you are not going to play their game.



Because when it comes to toxic types, playing is futile.



Just say, "Game over."



This column appeared in the Milwaukee Journal Sentinel on Jan. 18, 2010.

20 Best Break Up Songs to Get Through Grieving: Music to Help Heal When a Relationship Ends

Here's an interesting little article that I ran across this morning and thought you might enjoy!  So many people go into therapy or counseling because of relationship break ups and there is definitely a lot of music that addresses breaking-up.  In my day "Breaking Up is Hard to Do" by Neil Sedaka was a favorite. 

Hope you enjoy this! 


Jan 9, 2010 Sandra Williams



Here are several healing and sad break up songs that are divided into stages of grief.


Couples going through a break up usually go through the five stages of grief (denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance) until they come to the final stage, which is acceptance. It could take longer to get through the grieving process if it was a lengthy relationship or a bad break up.



Music helps many people cope when relationships end and for some reason they’re often compelled to listen to sad break up songs while mourning. Some of this music is angry and depressing, but there are songs that might actually lift the spirits of those going through break ups.



Angry Break Up Songs:

1.Bad Medicine – Bon Jovi: Bon Jovi seems to have found a formula for belting out rock ballad hits on a regular basis. This was a number one hit in 1988 that sees love as addictive.

2.Shut Up – Black Eyed Peas

3.You Oughta Know – Alanis Morissette

4.Walk – Pantera

5.Untouchable Face – Ani DiFranco

6.Love Stinks – J. Geils Band: Enough said.

Sad Break Up Songs:

7. Congratulations – Traveling Wilburys



8. And It Stoned Me – Van Morrison: Somehow people just know that this Irish singer has been there. Van Morrison is a brilliant songwriter who has a smooth smoky sound with a down to earth blues feel. He can laugh at hard times and is perfect for sad break up songs.



9. Last Day Of Our Acquaintance – Sinead O’Connor: Sinead could sing anything and make it sound sad, but this is a song about a marriage finally falling apart.




10. Trouble – Ray Lamontagne



Good Break Up Denial Songs:

11. End of The Road – Boys II Men



12. Can't Be Really Gone – Tim McGraw



Healing Music Good For The Acceptance Stage

13. With or Without You – U2



14. At This Point In My Life – Tracy Chapman



15. Two more Bottles of Wine – Emmylou Harris



16. Face Drop – Sean Kingston: This is a fun song by the adorable Jamaican singer and songwriter Sean Kingston. “Saying that I'd look better if I was thinner, but you know you should have loved me for my inner”, the husky singer croons.



17. Beyonce – Irreplaceable: Almost everyone knows what “to the left” means, thanks to Beyonce.



18. Let Him Fly – Dixie Chicks



19. I’m Still Standing – Elton John: Elton’s always good for an empowering break up song, and that’s probably because of his big heart. The fact that he’s bounced back from so much himself must add to his song writing skills.



20. I Don’t Care Anymore – Phil Collins: When Phil Collins belts out that he doesn’t care anymore, that’s pretty straightforward. However, much of this break up song list is open to interpretation.





Read more at Suite101: 20 Best Break Up Songs to Get Through Grieving: Music to Help Heal When a Relationship Ends http://popmusic.suite101.com/article.cfm/20_best_break_up_songs_to_get_through_grieving#ixzz0cDU4Z4Dp

Seven Tips for dealing with Seasonal Depression

Starting around Halloween, therapists become overbooked, their schedules bursting at the seams with new appointments and people coming back for a “tune-up”, not feeling so hot all of a sudden.




So, this might be a good time to run some tips by you for dealing with depression during this vulnerable time for so many. And let me just say at the outset that I really do understand that depression, by definition, drains your energy, motivation and sense of hope and efficacy, so you’re not exactly in the mood to follow tips. I get that. Try to do a little of this and that anyway. If you keep at it, the gains can become cumulative and effective over time. Okay, here goes:



1.Seek emotional support from the relationships likely to deliver the goods. That means sharing how you feel with trusted family or friends; making yourself show up for a social activity; emailing somebody; picking up the phone; joining a support group.. you get the picture. Structured social activity is your friend here.





2.Get exercise – it’s a natural anti-depressant. You won’t feel like it if you’re depressed, but go for a walk or get to the gym anyway. And while you’re at it, get your daily dose of sunlight, too, assuming you’re not in the Land of the Midnight Sun or, um, Cleveland. (Sorry, Cleveland! It’s actually exceptionally gorgeous and sunny here lately, with stunning foliage, so that was a cheap shot…. Must be accumulated resentment from too many gray Novembers, I guess.)





3.Try to normalize your sleep pattern – if you’re depressed, you’re likely to be sleeping too little or too much or both. Get to bed at a decent hour and don’t sleep in too long.





4.Eat healthy, mood-boosting foods. This includes complex carbs, vitamin B, chromium and foods rich in Omega 3 fatty acids (salmon, nuts, flax oil, etc). And, for heavens sake, ditch the refined sugar, people! You’ll get a quick boost, followed by a plummeting mood, and that’s a promise. Excessive caffeine isn’t so great for you either.





5.Figure out what works as your uplift tools: listening to guided imagery or your favorite music; getting out in nature; journaling; a taste of dark chocolate; working with your favorite yoga DVD; playing with the dog; taking a hot, aromatherapy bath; getting a massage; watching a goofy movie… whatever does it for you.





6.Be intentionally kind to yourself. Plan with your well-being in mind. Avoid stressful encounters and assignments when possible. Talk nicely and encouragingly to yourself. Watch for when negative self-talk or impossibly high standards start harassing you from the inside and tell that part of your brain to just knock it off.





7.Get professional help if you can’t activate these strategies. You may need a kick-start from some medication and/or more structured care from a pro.



And do check out the research which shows that short term Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) can alleviate this condition, even more than light therapy, and that for many, results stick through the following year.



(written by Belleruth Naparstek, http://www.belleruthnaparstek.com/)

How's your serenity level this week?

I hope you're having a joyful and calm Christmas week!  One of the best techniques I know for calm and serenity involves having a short phrase or even a single word that you repeat to yourself when you're feeling stress or anxiety rising within.  I found this short little article that I wanted to share with you.  You can also get some Christmas Tranquility here!
Finding a meaningful mantra is one of the best ways to show yourself some support. It's a tool that can instantly connect you to your best self — no matter what the world throws at you — and provide inspiration and comfort. Choose a word, a phrase, or even a lyric from a song that suggests what you want in life. It could be something like "I choose love," or even just a word, like peace. Allow the phrase or word to run through your mind, and practice saying it when you wake up or before you go to bed at night. Eventually, it will become automatic and will always be there for you when you need it.

Is Santa coming to see YOU??

"Children now love luxury; they have bad manners, contempt for authority; they show disrespect for elders and love chatter in place of exercise. children are now tyrants, not the servants of their households. They no longer rise when elders enter the room. They contradict their parents, and tyrannize their teachers...." --Socrates, 500 BC (!)

When I was little, my parents definitely tried to use the threat of Santa seeing me when I was sleeping and knowing when I'd been good or bad.  I'll admit, I was not a perfect child and so I worried quite a bit about what Santa might or might not bring me.  Usually I got pretty much what I expected but I did worry a lot about it!

On top of that, my mother warned us of a creature called "Bellsnickle" that would come and take all of your toys back on New Year's Eve if you didn't share your toys with your siblings and friends...again, more cause for worry and concern. 

Judging my the quote at the beginning of this post, parents and adults in general have been concerned about children's deteriorating behavior for a long, long time and yet...I do believe that most children are doing the best they can and are often very confused about what is right and what is wrong, based on what the adults around them are doing.  Did you ever the hear the phrase "do as I say and not as I do!"?  I did and I remember that I didn't particularly like it. 

The best thing you can do to encourage good behavior in your kids is to model that behavior for them.  Demonstrate over and over politeness, courtesy, compassion, honesty, gratitude and forgiveness.  These are the lessons that we all need to model, practice and re-learn over and over.  If you do this, Santa will definitely come to see you next Thursday night!

Christmas is Coming, the Goose is getting fat...

One of the earliest Christmas carols I remember said:

1. Christmas is coming, the goose is getting fat;
Please to put a penny in the old man's hat,
Please to put a penny in the old man's hat.

2. If you haven't got a penny, a haypenny will do;
If you haven't got a haypenny, well God bless you,
If you haven't got a haypenny, well God bless you.



The "goose" is not the only one who gets fat during Christmas-time. The average person gains up to seven to ten pounds every holiday season, while some studies show that is it closer to one to two pounds. Whatever study you subscribe to, it is your own personal reality that really counts. The real issue is whether we ever lose those extra pounds or do we just keep adding weight on each year, making us fatter, unhealthy and frustrated?

Since the holidays are a time for parties, gourmet dinners and other festive events surrounding food, cookies, candy and alcohol, it means that we increase our caloric intake quite substantially––usually empty calories (void of nutritional value) that are full of fat, sugar, sodium and white flour. Moreover, we tend to throw discipline out the chimney, neglecting exercise and other important dietary regulations.

There's no getting around it, those extra holiday calories, especially carbohydrates, added sodium, excessive alcohol consumption, as well as other variables will put more weight on your body. But there is some good news here: those extra pounds might not be all fat. Holiday weight gain may stem from glycogen storage and/or water weight, which can cause you to think you are getting fat.

Because there are 3500 calories in a pound of fat, you would need to consume 3500 calories over and above your metabolic rate and activity level in order to gain that pound of fat and vise versa; 3500 calories to lose a pound of fat. Although it is more complex than that, this tidbit of information is timely and should give you a little peace in regards to your holiday eating habits.

Don't get too jolly yet; when you consume excessive amount of calories (food and liquid) over an extended period of time you will get fat. And poor eating habits will mess with your health especially if you are obese, have high cholesterol, high blood pressure, diabetes, or any other health predicament.

As a fitness expert for over 29 years, it has become somewhat futile to place weight-loss in a News Year’s resolution list, so I’m proposing a different strategy this year: a preemptive attack against "holiday fat". You don’t have to start your new year with the goal of losing the weight that you had planned on losing last year plus the ten pounds you just gained over the holiday season.

The simplest thing you can do over the holidays is to increase your water intake, especially if you are drinking alcohol. The health benefits of water are already well known, but did you know it has a profound impact on weight loss? Most of us retain water because we do not drink enough water. We even mistake thirst for hunger, so we eat more instead of drinking water. Don’t wait until you are thirsty to drink water, start early in the day and make sure you have access to water all day long. Keep in mind, dehydration not only has health consequences but also affects our mood and can make us lethargic, making it impossible to function, exercise and shop.