Learning to "fight fair"

Do you have conflict with your partner or spouse? Well, I'm sure that you know it's not unusual if you're a real human being! But there are effective ways to disagree and there are painful, humiliating ways. Which would you prefer? Are you willing to learn and practice some "fair fighting techniques?" OK, let's get started!

The Bible on One Page

This is an amazing labor of love that someone has gone to a lot of trouble to create. Check it out and realize that there are lots of good people out there working hard to make the world a better place!

Have a good Sunday!

Alice Bible on One Page

Ten Important Insights for Inner Peace

The greatest goal you can set this year is to make peace with your life, no matter your circumstances.
These 10 powerful insights from Eckhart Tolle will get you started.

• Don't seek happiness. If you seek it, you won't find it, because seeking is the antithesis of happiness. Happiness is ever elusive, but freedom from unhappiness is attainable now, by facing what is rather than making up stories about it.
• The primary cause of unhappiness is never the situation but your thoughts about it. Be aware of the thoughts you are thinking. Separate them from the situation, which is always neutral, which always is as it is. There is the situation or the fact, and here are my thoughts about it. Instead of making up stories, stay with the facts. For example, "I am ruined" is a story. It limits you and prevents you from taking effective action. "I have 50 cents left in my bank account" is a fact. Facing facts is always empowering.
• See if you can catch the voice in your head, perhaps in the very moment it complains about something, and recognize it for what it is: the voice of the ego, no more than a thought. Whenever you notice that voice, you will also realize that you are not the voice, but the one who is aware of it. In fact, you are the awareness that is aware of the voice. In the background, there is the awareness. In the foreground, there is the voice, the thinker. In this way you are becoming free of the ego, free of the unobserved mind.
• Wherever you look, there is plenty of circumstantial evidence for the reality of time—a rotting apple, your face in the bathroom mirror compared with your face in a photo taken 30 years ago—yet you never find any direct evidence, you never experience time itself. You only ever experience the present moment.
• Why do anxiety, stress, or negativity arise? Because you turned away from the present moment. And why did you do that? You thought something else was more important. One small error, one misperception, creates a world of suffering.
• People believe themselves to be dependent on what happens for their happiness. They don't realize that what happens is the most unstable thing in the universe. It changes constantly. They look upon the present moment as either marred by something that has happened and shouldn't have or as deficient because of something that has not happened but should have. And so they miss the deeper perfection that is inherent in life itself, a perfection that lies beyond what is happening or not happening. Accept the present moment and find the perfection that is untouched by time.
• The more shared past there is in a relationship, the more present you need to be; otherwise, you will be forced to relive the past again and again.
• Equating the physical body with "I," the body that is destined to grow old, wither, and die, always leads to suffering. To refrain from identifying with the body doesn't mean that you no longer care for it. If it is strong, beautiful, or vigorous, you can appreciate those attributes—while they last. You can also improve the body's condition through nutrition and exercise. If you don't equate the body with who you are, when beauty fades, vigor diminishes, or the body becomes incapacitated, this will not affect your sense of worth or identity in any way. In fact, as the body begins to weaken, the light of consciousness can shine more easily.
• You do not become good by trying to be good, but by finding the goodness that is already within you and allowing that goodness to emerge.
• If peace is really what you want, then you will choose peace.

Coping with Low Self-Esteem

Feeling troubled by low self-esteem? Here are some suggestions to help.Choose the ones that are most relevant to your situation and work on them.Don't expect immediate change from yourself. Be patient change takes time and work.Low Self-esteem Description:
You avoid looking into the eyes of others.
You do not smile easily.
You avoid other people.
You push people away, even your friends and family.
You constantly feel bad.
You are tired all the time.
You are afraid to take risks.
You create negative situations.
You constantly analyze yourself and wonder why you are the way you are.
You talk negatively to yourself
You don't tell the truth or keep your word.
You have trouble forgiving yourself or others.

Start Your Journey to Happiness and Self EsteemDetermine which area of your life you want to work on and begin today!Be "Positive" when deciding what you want to achieve. Don't tell yourself you can't do it. When you talk to yourself use positive affirmations and write them down. Keep them shortand very specific.Believe in yourself and your goals. Be persistent and close out your inner voice from negative remarks.Set aside a specific time each day to meditate, and visualize your goals and achievements. This will help you to set a pattern of daily affirmations to reach your goals.

Steps to Changing Bad Habits

"Habit is habit and not to be flung out of the window by any man but coaxed downstairs a step at a time." - Mark Twain"

Ill habits gather by unseen degrees, as brooks make rivers, rivers run to seas." - John Dryden

Laura Barwegen, in an article in Discipleship Journal, tells of routinely watching "Jeopardy!" and eating a bowl of Raisin Bran after coming home from work. Now, 15 years later, she still gets hungry for a bowl of Raisin Bran whenever she hears the theme music to "Jeopardy!". Habits are necessary to get us through the normal day.

When I get up in the morning and head for the bathroom, I am pretty much on automatic - my habits are definitely in control. Everything has a prescribed order and woe be it if I deviate. I even have a particular pattern for shaving. Any other pattern takes longer - I have to think.

The wrong kind of habits can be a real problem, however. Some habits probably are better classified as addictions, and we may need outside help to break them. Smoking, drug abuse and pornography fit into this category. Other bad habits are simply a result of our own choices and/or failure to stop undesirable actions. When we get home from work, our habit may be to read the newspaper or turn on the TV. But today, our spouse or child may need to talk. Can we break from our habit without getting visibly upset?

We may also have the "habit" of failing to consider our spouse's needs for entertainment and recreation. Can we force ourselves to schedule times doing what they like? For example, establish a date night once a week or even once a month. Turn off the football game and play a board game with your wife.

As an aside, breaking out of old habits may be good for you in other ways. Studies show that unless we continue to learn, our brains literally begin to atrophy, which may contribute to dementia, Alzheimer's and other brain diseases. Continuously stretching ourselves will even help us lose weight, according to one study.

So what can we do to break bad habits? Barwegen suggests a few simple steps for us to consider.

First of all, be aware of how that habit got started. You started doing something on a frequent and regular basis, thus programming your brain to operate in a certain way without thinking. Deviation from that programmed path now becomes uncomfortable.You have to consciously choose to turn off the TV or to plan events on a regular basis with your spouse. At first this will be uncomfortable, but keep at it.

This leads us to Barwegen's second simple suggestion: Keep practicing.To quote Barwegen, as we practice desirable behaviors and thought patterns, taking small, incremental steps "may feel awkward at first, but as we repeat them, they'll take over more brain real estate and will eventually become unconscious habits."

Finally, as we begin to change old habits and establish new and more desirable habits, reward that success. Give yourself a verbal pat on the back. Talk about what you are doing with others. Hopefully they have noticed and are also giving you positive feedback. One of the main reasons for establishing habits is our fear of failure or conversely our desire to be comfortable. We find something that works or at least keeps us out of trouble, and we cement that in as a desirable behavior.Consider once again turning off the TV or planning events. TV has a way of enabling us to turn off our brains; it's almost like an anesthesia - it deadens us to work problems and home noises. Planning events sets us up for rejection or failure as we try something different.Healthy relationships are all about building mutually beneficial thought patterns and behaviors. It's worth it!

The Stages of Grief

People grieve for man reasons. I think most people belief that death is the only reason for grief but actually, the break-up of a relationship or marriage, the loss of a pet or a job are all causes for grief. I found this article online thatI think might be helpful to you.

In one way or another, we are all affected by death. Losses are inevitable and are ever present in all lives. Death is universal. Grief is universal. We all must cope with bereavement at some stage in our lives. Even though death can be separated into two categories, long-term illness and sudden death, all death is sudden. The finality of death brings to those left behind a tremendous amount of emotional pain. Grief is not something abnormal; rather, it is a normal and inevitable step in our journey through life. Two simple definitions of grief are 1) the conflicting feelings caused by the end of or change in a familiar pattern or behavior. 2) a normal, natural and painful emotional reaction to loss. We can grieve not only for the passing of a human life, but also for the death of a relationship (divorce) or we can suffer the same emotional reactions over the loss of a beloved pet. Grieving is difficult because it involved many intense feelings – love, sadness, fear, anger, relief, compassion, hate, or happiness to name a few. Not everyone experiences all of these feelings but many in the grieving process experience several of them at the same time. The feelings are intense, disorganizing and can be long lasting. Grieving often feels has been described as drowning in a sea of painful emotions.
There are certain stages of grief. 1) Shock – Immediately following the death of a loved one it is difficult to accept the loss. A feeling of unreality occurs. During those first days and through any religious rituals or memorials there is a feeling of being-out-of-touch. 2) Emotional Release – the awareness of just how dreadful the loss is accompanied by intense pangs of grief. In this stage a grieving individuals sleeps badly and weeps uncontrollably 3) Panic - For some time a grieving person can feel in the grip of mental instability. They can find themselves wandering around aimlessly, forgetting things, and not being able to finish what they started. Physical symptoms also can appear -- tightness in the throat, heaviness in the chest, an empty feeling in the stomach, tiredness and fatigue, headaches, migraine headaches, gastric and bowel upsets. 4) Guilt – At this stage an individual can begin to feel guilty about failures to do enough for the deceased, guilt over what happened or what didn’t happen. 5) Hostility – Some individuals feel anger at what “caused” the loss of the loved one. 6) Inability to Resume Business-as-Usual Activities - the ability to concentrate on day-to-day activities may be severely limited. It is important to know and recognize that this is a normal phenomenon. A grieving person’s entire being – emotional, physical and spiritual, is focused on the loss that just occurred. Grief is a 100% experience. No one does it at 50%. 7) Reconciliation of Grief – balance in life returns little by little, much like healing from a severe physical wound. There are no set timeframes for healing. Each individual is different. 8) Hope - the sharp, ever present pain of grief will lessen and hope for a continued, yet different life emerges. Plans are made for the future and the individual is able to move forward in life with good feelings knowing they will always remember and have memories of the loved one.
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Grieving is difficult work. The following are some suggestion to help in navigating the journey through grief.
-Take time. Don’t let others rush you into “getting over” your feelings.
-Don’t make major decisions. The time of grief is a time of instability.
-Avoid the temptation to use alcohol or drugs to numb the painful feelings.
-Cry. Tears are the healthiest expression of grief. Don’t try to hold back crying for the sake of others.
-Know that there will be good days and bad days. Pangs of intense grief can surface during holidays, significant events such as birthdays or anniversaries.
-Remember the loved one often and as much as you need to. Look at photographs, read old letters and retell your memories to friends and other members of the family.
-Seek people who will understand your need to talk about what happened. Seek out people who will really listen to your remembrances.
-Allow yourself time to heal. Pay attention to your health. Make sure you are getting enough sleep. Eat a healthy diet. Get outside in the sunshine for exercise or a mild walk.
-Ask for what you need from others. Accept what help they offer. Now is not the time to try to do everything by yourself.
-Seek out grief counseling if you feel you cannot cope alone. Grief counseling is available through community resources, churches and licensed therapists. Join a grief support group. Local community papers will usually have listings. Use the Internet and join an electronic bulletin board dedicated to supporting individuals who have lost loved ones.
-Remember your grief is individual to you. Not everyone’s grief is identical to yours. You will share some similarities with others, but grieving is a very personal and very individual process.
Death like any great wound leaves a scar. It may heal and the pain may ease but the mark is always there. But the memories of the loved one are always there also. The most important thing to remember is -- there is no right way or wrong way to grieve. People grieve in their own time and in their own way. The second most important thing to remember is – everything you feel during bereavement is normal. The third most important thing to remember is – if you feel you cannot cope with your loss alone, you don’t have to. Seek help. Grief is the pain of not having the person who is gone. Through bereavement we learn to live without that person and in the words of St. John Chrysostorn, a bishop living in the fourth century: He whom we love and lose is no longer where he was before. He is now wherever we are.

New Year's Resolutions: Do They Work?

This time every year, people draw up lists of New Year's resolutions: lose weight, exercise, quit smoking. New Year offers us a sort of "restart" button. Sure, we're not cleaning out our mental or physical hard drives entirely. None of us change ourselves completely. But we can use this time to "reboot" — take a pause and, hopefully, perform somewhat better going forward.
People have been making New Year's resolutions for hundreds of years, I'm sure. It's just logical to want to make changes at such a momentous point in the calendar year. But I believe that it's important to believe that one can start over at any time...your don't just have to wait to January 1st or May 1st or any other particular time.
If you do choose to make resolutions, it's important to be realistic: I'll lose 5 lbs each month, not 10 or 15 or 20! Otherwise you set yourself up for failure. "Easy does it" is a great mantra. I'm always happy to help people set do-able goals to improve their lives. Let me know if I can help you!