Wednesday, September 15, 2010

10 Life Lessons You Should Unlearn


Dear Friends and Clients of Crescent Hill Counseling,

In the past 20 years, I've realized that our culture is rife with ideas that actually inhibit joy. Here are some of the things I'm most grateful to have unlearned:  (by Martha Beck)



1. Problems are bad. You spent your school years solving arbitrary problems imposed by boring authority figures. You learned that problems—comment se dit?—suck. But people without real problems go mad and invent things like base jumping and wedding planning. Real problems are wonderful, each carrying the seeds of its own solution. Job burnout? It's steering you toward your perfect career. An awful relationship? It's teaching you what love means. Confusing tax forms? They're suggesting you hire an accountant, so you can focus on more interesting tasks, such as flossing. Finding the solution to each problem is what gives life its gusto.


2. It's important to stay happy. Solving a knotty problem can help us be happy, but we don't have to be happy to feel good. If that sounds crazy, try this: Focus on something that makes you miserable. Then think, "I must stay happy!" Stressful, isn't it? Now say, "It's okay to be as sad as I need to be." This kind of permission to feel as we feel—not continuous happiness—is the foundation of well-being.


3. I'm irreparably damaged by my past. Painful events leave scars, true, but it turns out they're largely erasable. Jill Bolte Taylor, the neuroanatomist who had a stroke that obliterated her memory, described the event as losing "37 years of emotional baggage." Taylor rebuilt her own brain, minus the drama. Now it appears we can all effect a similar shift, without having to endure a brain hemorrhage. The very thing you're doing at this moment—questioning habitual thoughts—is enough to begin off-loading old patterns. For example, take an issue that's been worrying you ("I've got to work harder!") and think of three reasons that belief may be wrong. Your brain will begin to let it go. Taylor found this thought-loss euphoric. You will, too.


4. Working hard leads to success. Baby mammals, including humans, learn by playing, which is why "the battle of Waterloo was won on the playing fields of Eton." Boys who'd spent years strategizing for fun gained instinctive skills to handle real-world situations. So play as you did in childhood, with all-out absorption. Watch for ways your childhood playing skills can solve a problem (see #1). Play, not work, is the key to success. While we're on the subject...

5. Success is the opposite of failure. Fact: From quitting smoking to skiing, we succeed to the degree we try, fail, and learn. Studies show that people who worry about mistakes shut down, but those who are relaxed about doing badly soon learn to do well. Success is built on failure.

"If all my wishes came true, right now, life would be perfect"

6. It matters what people think of me. "But if I fail," you may protest, "people will think badly of me!" This dreaded fate causes despair, suicide, homicide. I realized this when I read blatant lies about myself on the Internet. When I bewailed this to a friend, she said, "Wow, you have some painful fantasies about other people's fantasies about you." Yup, my anguish came from my hypothesis that other people's hypothetical hypotheses about me mattered. Ridiculous! Right now, imagine what you'd do if it absolutely didn't matter what people thought of you. Got it? Good. Never go back.

7. We should think rationally about our decisions. Your rational capacities are far newer and more error-prone than your deeper, "animal" brain. Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal. Consider a choice you have to make—anything from which movie to see to which house to buy. Instead of weighing pros and cons intellectually, notice your physical response to each option. Pay attention to when your body tenses or relaxes. And speaking of bodies...

8. The pretty girls (handsome men) get all the good stuff. Oh, God. So not true. I unlearned this after years of coaching beautiful clients. Yes, these lovelies get preferential treatment in most life scenarios, but there's a catch: While everyone's looking at them, virtually no one sees them. Almost every gorgeous client had a husband who'd married her breasts and jawline without ever noticing her soul.

9. If all my wishes came true right now, life would be perfect. Check it out: People who have what you want are all over rehab clinics, divorce courts, and jails. That's because good fortune has side effects, just like medications advertised on TV. Basically, any external thing we depend on to make us feel good has the power to make us feel bad. Weirdly, when you've stopped depending on tangible rewards, they often materialize. To attract something you want, become as joyful as you think that thing would make you. The joy, not the thing, is the point.



10. Loss is terrible. Ten years ago I still feared loss enough to abandon myself in order to keep things stable. I'd smile when I was sad, pretend to like people who appalled me. What I now know is that losses aren't cataclysmic if they teach the heart and soul their natural cycle of breaking and healing. A real tragedy? That's the loss of the heart and soul themselves. If you've abandoned yourself in the effort to keep anyone or anything else, unlearn that pattern. Live your truth, losses be damned. Just like that, your heart and soul will return home.

Saturday, September 4, 2010

The Problem with Affairs

Many people come into my office because either they or their spouse is having an affair or they suspect an affair.  This is an excellent article on the topic, written by a colleague in another city!  Hope you find it helpful!

Have a great Labor Day week-end!

Alice

Being hit with the news that an affair is usually devastating and often turns the betrayed spouse's world upside down. In a maelstrom of intense emotions, often people have difficulty thinking clearly and are at a loss as to how to begin to put the pieces of their shattered lives back together. Healing both yourself and your marriage (if you choose) are possible after an affair. However, myths about affairs abound and they often create more distress when going through this already difficult process. Here are the top 10 myths I have encountered about affairs. I have seen this kind of misinformation add pain and confusion where there was already plenty.
If the experience of an affair has, in some way, touched your life, I hope you will read on and clarify any misconceptions that have caused you or someone you love more hurt.


Myth #1


It is better to not talk about the affair Talking about it only makes you more upset, making it harder to get over it and move on with your life.
The Truth: Research shows that openly talking about the affair (with your spouse) is one of the most important factors in improving the relationship and aiding with healing. If you have a gangrenous wound you do not just wrap it up and act as everything is fine. You need to unwrap it and treat it.


Myth #2

It is better to not talk about the affair. Any additional information will just make it harder to forget it and get on with your life.


The Truth: Finding out your partner has had an affair is devastating and traumatic. You often feel as you do not know what is real anymore. The betrayed partner may begin to question everything that previously felt certain in life. The truth is, information about the affair helps the hurt partner reassemble the pieces to the puzzle that is their life. This is the first step in healing.

Myth #3

People have affairs because of sexual attraction.


Truth:

The pull of an affair has much more to do with feeling cherished and adored by a new love.

Often they only see the positive aspects of a person and miss the flaws that the spouse recognizes.

Myth #4

Most affairs end in divorce.

The Truth: More than half of marriages affected by an affair remain in tact. Some couples even report that their relationship is more intimate, honest and meaningful after the affair. Such couples take important steps toward healing the relationship.

Myth #5

Affairs happen because marriages or unhappy.

Affairs can and do happen in good marriages. They are usually more about sliding across boundaries than they are about love, especially when the affair started out as a friendship that grew in intensity.

Myth #6

You should just forget the affair and get on with your marriage.

The Truth: This is a harmful attitude not only because it is next too impossible, but also because betrayed partners end up feeling additional pain and guilt for not "handling it right."


Myth #7

Affairs are usually just sexual in nature.


The Truth:

That was the most likely scenario in affairs of past decades. However, since the majority of modern day affairs tend to begin as work friendships which over time develop increasingly emotional intimacy, most affairs have an emotional component to them.

Myth: 8


Emotional Affairs (affairs where there has been no actual sexual involvement) are not really affairs.
The Truth:

Emotional affairs seem to create as much pain as affairs that have become sexual. This is true particularly if the betrayed spouse is a woman. Women experience more pain if their husband has had an affair that has involved emotional sharing than if it is just for sex. Men, on the other hand, tend to experience more pain if their wives have sexual affairs.

Myth #9


People have affairs because they are not getting enough sex in their marriage.

Truth:

It is usually the person who has the affair who is giving the least in the marriage. The spouse may actually be quite giving. The person who is least invested in the relationship is the one most at risk to stray.


Myth #10

The person who has an affair has no morals.


The Truth: More than 80% of marital partners who had an affair reported that they considered affairs wrong, and would never be the kind of person who would have an affair. They reported that they found themselves caught up in an emotional situation over which they then lost control. These days the beginnings of affairs may have more to do with sliding across boundaries than a calculated plan to deceive.



Barbara Calvi, M.S., L.M.F.T. is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist in private practice in Calabasas, California. She specializes in working with couples and with both couples and singles on affair recovery. You can subscribe to her relationship newsletter at her website: http://www.ShouldIstayorshouldIgocounseling.com or visit her relationship and affair recovery blogs at http://www.Beatthemarriageodds.typepad.com or http://Beatthemarriageodds.typepad.com/affairrecovery