Life's Rules for 2011 and Beyond

I don't know who collected all of these great things, but I wanted to share them.  I believe that these are very wise ideas and they were sent to me by my friend in Maryland, Rev. Sandi.  Enjoy!
Health:

1. Drink plenty of water.

2. Eat breakfast like a king, lunch like a prince and dinner like a beggar.

3. Eat more foods that grow on trees and plants and eat less food that is manufactured in plants..

4. Live with the 3 E's -- Energy, Enthusiasm and Empathy



5. Make time to prayer and meditation

6. Play more games



7. Read more books than you did in 2010

8. Sit in silence for at least 10 minutes each day

9. Sleep for at least 7 hours.

10. Take a 10-30 minutes walk daily. And while you walk, smile.



Personality:

11. Don't compare your life to others. You have no idea what their journey is all about.

12. Don't have negative thoughts or things you cannot control. Instead invest your energy in the positive present moment.

13. Don't over do. Keep your limits.

14. Don't take yourself so seriously. No one else does.

15. Don't waste your precious energy on gossip.

16. Dream more while you are awake.

17. Envy is a waste of time. You already have all you need.

18. Forget issues of the past. Don't remind your friend or partner with His/Her mistakes of the past. That will ruin your present happiness.

19. Life is too short to waste time hating anyone. Don't hate others.

20. Make peace with your past so it won't spoil the present.

21. No one is in charge of your happiness except you.

22. Realize that life is a school and you are here to learn. Problems are simply part of the curriculum that appear and fade away like algebra class but the lessons you learn will last a lifetime.

23. Smile and laugh more.

24. You don't have to win every argument. Agree to disagree....



Society:

25. Call your family often.

26. Each day give something good to others.

27. Forgive everyone for everything.

28. Spend time with people over the age of 70 & under the age of 6.

29. Try to make at least three people smile each day.

30. What other people think of you is none of your business.

31. Your job won't take care of you when you are sick. Your friends will. Stay in touch.



Life:

32. Do the right thing!

33. Get rid of anything that isn't useful, beautiful or joyful.

34. GOD heals everything.

35. However good or bad a situation is, it will change..

36. No matter how you feel, get up, dress up and show up.

37. The best is yet to come.

38. When you awake alive in the morning, thank GOD for it.

39. Your Inner most is always happy. So, be happy.



And, Most Importantly:









40. Everyday, say I LOVE YOU to those that give your life meaning.

The 90/10 priniciple...a powerful lesson!

This is one of the best slideshows I've seen lately.  It really makes a powerful case for the interconnectedness of our behaviors and how our lives go.  It is very hard to isolate incidents and believe that they don't affect everything else.  Life is a giant interconnected web and our thoughts, actions, and beliefs powerfully affect each other.  Today, choose positive, loving and forgiving thoughts and behaviors.  You'll be contributing to a better world!Alice90 10 Principle Presentation

View more presentations from Faisal Khan.

10 Life Lessons You Should Unlearn

Dear Friends and Clients of Crescent Hill Counseling,

In the past 20 years, I've realized that our culture is rife with ideas that actually inhibit joy. Here are some of the things I'm most grateful to have unlearned:  (by Martha Beck)



1. Problems are bad. You spent your school years solving arbitrary problems imposed by boring authority figures. You learned that problems—comment se dit?—suck. But people without real problems go mad and invent things like base jumping and wedding planning. Real problems are wonderful, each carrying the seeds of its own solution. Job burnout? It's steering you toward your perfect career. An awful relationship? It's teaching you what love means. Confusing tax forms? They're suggesting you hire an accountant, so you can focus on more interesting tasks, such as flossing. Finding the solution to each problem is what gives life its gusto.


2. It's important to stay happy. Solving a knotty problem can help us be happy, but we don't have to be happy to feel good. If that sounds crazy, try this: Focus on something that makes you miserable. Then think, "I must stay happy!" Stressful, isn't it? Now say, "It's okay to be as sad as I need to be." This kind of permission to feel as we feel—not continuous happiness—is the foundation of well-being.


3. I'm irreparably damaged by my past. Painful events leave scars, true, but it turns out they're largely erasable. Jill Bolte Taylor, the neuroanatomist who had a stroke that obliterated her memory, described the event as losing "37 years of emotional baggage." Taylor rebuilt her own brain, minus the drama. Now it appears we can all effect a similar shift, without having to endure a brain hemorrhage. The very thing you're doing at this moment—questioning habitual thoughts—is enough to begin off-loading old patterns. For example, take an issue that's been worrying you ("I've got to work harder!") and think of three reasons that belief may be wrong. Your brain will begin to let it go. Taylor found this thought-loss euphoric. You will, too.


4. Working hard leads to success. Baby mammals, including humans, learn by playing, which is why "the battle of Waterloo was won on the playing fields of Eton." Boys who'd spent years strategizing for fun gained instinctive skills to handle real-world situations. So play as you did in childhood, with all-out absorption. Watch for ways your childhood playing skills can solve a problem (see #1). Play, not work, is the key to success. While we're on the subject...

5. Success is the opposite of failure. Fact: From quitting smoking to skiing, we succeed to the degree we try, fail, and learn. Studies show that people who worry about mistakes shut down, but those who are relaxed about doing badly soon learn to do well. Success is built on failure.

"If all my wishes came true, right now, life would be perfect"

6. It matters what people think of me. "But if I fail," you may protest, "people will think badly of me!" This dreaded fate causes despair, suicide, homicide. I realized this when I read blatant lies about myself on the Internet. When I bewailed this to a friend, she said, "Wow, you have some painful fantasies about other people's fantasies about you." Yup, my anguish came from my hypothesis that other people's hypothetical hypotheses about me mattered. Ridiculous! Right now, imagine what you'd do if it absolutely didn't matter what people thought of you. Got it? Good. Never go back.

7. We should think rationally about our decisions. Your rational capacities are far newer and more error-prone than your deeper, "animal" brain. Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal. Consider a choice you have to make—anything from which movie to see to which house to buy. Instead of weighing pros and cons intellectually, notice your physical response to each option. Pay attention to when your body tenses or relaxes. And speaking of bodies...

8. The pretty girls (handsome men) get all the good stuff. Oh, God. So not true. I unlearned this after years of coaching beautiful clients. Yes, these lovelies get preferential treatment in most life scenarios, but there's a catch: While everyone's looking at them, virtually no one sees them. Almost every gorgeous client had a husband who'd married her breasts and jawline without ever noticing her soul.

9. If all my wishes came true right now, life would be perfect. Check it out: People who have what you want are all over rehab clinics, divorce courts, and jails. That's because good fortune has side effects, just like medications advertised on TV. Basically, any external thing we depend on to make us feel good has the power to make us feel bad. Weirdly, when you've stopped depending on tangible rewards, they often materialize. To attract something you want, become as joyful as you think that thing would make you. The joy, not the thing, is the point.



10. Loss is terrible. Ten years ago I still feared loss enough to abandon myself in order to keep things stable. I'd smile when I was sad, pretend to like people who appalled me. What I now know is that losses aren't cataclysmic if they teach the heart and soul their natural cycle of breaking and healing. A real tragedy? That's the loss of the heart and soul themselves. If you've abandoned yourself in the effort to keep anyone or anything else, unlearn that pattern. Live your truth, losses be damned. Just like that, your heart and soul will return home.

The Problem with Affairs

Many people come into my office because either they or their spouse is having an affair or they suspect an affair.  This is an excellent article on the topic, written by a colleague in another city!  Hope you find it helpful!

Have a great Labor Day week-end!

Alice

Being hit with the news that an affair is usually devastating and often turns the betrayed spouse's world upside down. In a maelstrom of intense emotions, often people have difficulty thinking clearly and are at a loss as to how to begin to put the pieces of their shattered lives back together. Healing both yourself and your marriage (if you choose) are possible after an affair. However, myths about affairs abound and they often create more distress when going through this already difficult process. Here are the top 10 myths I have encountered about affairs. I have seen this kind of misinformation add pain and confusion where there was already plenty.
If the experience of an affair has, in some way, touched your life, I hope you will read on and clarify any misconceptions that have caused you or someone you love more hurt.


Myth #1


It is better to not talk about the affair Talking about it only makes you more upset, making it harder to get over it and move on with your life.
The Truth: Research shows that openly talking about the affair (with your spouse) is one of the most important factors in improving the relationship and aiding with healing. If you have a gangrenous wound you do not just wrap it up and act as everything is fine. You need to unwrap it and treat it.


Myth #2

It is better to not talk about the affair. Any additional information will just make it harder to forget it and get on with your life.


The Truth: Finding out your partner has had an affair is devastating and traumatic. You often feel as you do not know what is real anymore. The betrayed partner may begin to question everything that previously felt certain in life. The truth is, information about the affair helps the hurt partner reassemble the pieces to the puzzle that is their life. This is the first step in healing.

Myth #3

People have affairs because of sexual attraction.


Truth:

The pull of an affair has much more to do with feeling cherished and adored by a new love.

Often they only see the positive aspects of a person and miss the flaws that the spouse recognizes.

Myth #4

Most affairs end in divorce.

The Truth: More than half of marriages affected by an affair remain in tact. Some couples even report that their relationship is more intimate, honest and meaningful after the affair. Such couples take important steps toward healing the relationship.

Myth #5

Affairs happen because marriages or unhappy.

Affairs can and do happen in good marriages. They are usually more about sliding across boundaries than they are about love, especially when the affair started out as a friendship that grew in intensity.

Myth #6

You should just forget the affair and get on with your marriage.

The Truth: This is a harmful attitude not only because it is next too impossible, but also because betrayed partners end up feeling additional pain and guilt for not "handling it right."


Myth #7

Affairs are usually just sexual in nature.


The Truth:

That was the most likely scenario in affairs of past decades. However, since the majority of modern day affairs tend to begin as work friendships which over time develop increasingly emotional intimacy, most affairs have an emotional component to them.

Myth: 8


Emotional Affairs (affairs where there has been no actual sexual involvement) are not really affairs.
The Truth:

Emotional affairs seem to create as much pain as affairs that have become sexual. This is true particularly if the betrayed spouse is a woman. Women experience more pain if their husband has had an affair that has involved emotional sharing than if it is just for sex. Men, on the other hand, tend to experience more pain if their wives have sexual affairs.

Myth #9


People have affairs because they are not getting enough sex in their marriage.

Truth:

It is usually the person who has the affair who is giving the least in the marriage. The spouse may actually be quite giving. The person who is least invested in the relationship is the one most at risk to stray.


Myth #10

The person who has an affair has no morals.


The Truth: More than 80% of marital partners who had an affair reported that they considered affairs wrong, and would never be the kind of person who would have an affair. They reported that they found themselves caught up in an emotional situation over which they then lost control. These days the beginnings of affairs may have more to do with sliding across boundaries than a calculated plan to deceive.



Barbara Calvi, M.S., L.M.F.T. is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist in private practice in Calabasas, California. She specializes in working with couples and with both couples and singles on affair recovery. You can subscribe to her relationship newsletter at her website: http://www.ShouldIstayorshouldIgocounseling.com or visit her relationship and affair recovery blogs at http://www.Beatthemarriageodds.typepad.com or http://Beatthemarriageodds.typepad.com/affairrecovery

Do you have a problem with compulsive gambling? There is help.

Fast Facts

• More than 80 percent of U.S. adults have reportedly gambled at least once in the past year and have done so responsibly. Approximately one percent of adults (two million individuals), however, meet the criteria of a pathological gambler. Another 2 to 3 percent have less significant, yet serious, problems with their gambling. (1)

• One in three Minnesotans say they know someone with a gambling problem. (2)

• A major depressive disorder is likely to occur in 76 percent of pathological gamblers.(3)

• In a study of gamblers enrolled in a treatment program, 10 percent considered and formulated plans to commit suicide within six months of enrollment to treatment.(4)

• Nearly half of Minnesotans think people with lower incomes are more likely to develop a gambling problem. However, like alcohol and drug addiction, it crosses the entire economic spectrum. (2)

• Nine in 10 Minnesotans say they would feel comfortable talking to a friend or family member about a gambling problem. (2)

• Minnesota is one of 29 states that fund problem gambling programs. (5)

• Minnesota has a toll-free, 24-hour, seven-day-a-week, confidential Helpline providing information and referrals for problem gamblers and other concerned individuals: 1-800-333-HOPE begin_of_the_skype_highlighting 1-800-333-HOPE end_of_the_skype_highlighting.

• Eight in 10 Minnesotans do not know of a financial resource available to those who need problem gambling treatment but cannot afford to pay for it. However, the State of Minnesota will provide treatment if insurance does not cover it. (2)

• In 2006, 1,150 individuals received state-funded treatment from problem gambling treatment providers. (6)

• 93 treatment providers in 111 locations throughout the state are registered with the Minnesota Department of Human Services to provide outpatient treatment.

• Family members and/or significant others affected by negative consequences of problem gambling can access treatment and funding even if the gambler is unwilling to participate in treatment.



1) National Council on Problem Gambling, March 2003.



2) Minnesota Department of Human Services’ Consumer Study, 2002



3) Unwin, B.K.; Davis, M.K.; & Leeuw, J.B. “Pathological gambling,” American Family Physician, February 2000.



4) Moore, Thomas L., Ph.D. Gambling Treatment Programs Evaluation Update, 2002.



5) Association of Problem Gambling Service Administrators, 2007.



6) Minnesota Department of Human Services

Crescent Hill Counseling is alive and open for business

Many of you know that I've been out of town for several weeks in late March, early April for the birth of my first grandchild.  But I'm back now and open for business!

I love being a therapist and watching people change and grow, mature and accept themselves and their families as they are and not try to change others.  Always a losing battle!

At the foundation of the therapy I do is the concept of self-esteem and the idea that we are good people who sometime make bad choices in behaviors and the people with whom we choose to associate.  But we can make new choices every day and learn to separate the person from the behavior or deed.

The man in the picture above (deleted) has been in the news a whole lot recently.  He has been dealing with something called sex addiction.  Is sex addiction real, you ask, or just an excuse for bad behavior?  I believe that it is real because I have been treating sex addicts for almost 25 years.  Often they are powerful, successful, intelligent people who began to feel "entitled" to indulging their impulses even though down deep they knew they were jeopardizing the lives of their families, they were jeopardizing their careers, and they were harming people that were involved with.

Most sex addiction starts very early as sex addicts often grow up in dysfunctional families were sex is either not talked about at all, or is talked about and acted out frequently.  Many sex addicts tell me their families were either very, very religious or had no religion at all.  As children they often grow up feeling scared and along.  They learn to comfort themselves sexually and as they reach puberty and then adulthood, they naturally gravitate toward people who feel as they do.  They often develop "double lives" as the man in the picture did.

If you or someone you know is struggling with internet pornography, repeated affairs, or visiting prostitues and strip bars, please give them my name and address.  I can help and look forward to helping find solutions.

Do you think your teenager is using drugs?

Dear Readers,

One of the populations that I work with is the teenage drug and alcohol abuser.  By the time they get to me they have usually had some run-ins with both the court system and their school teachers, administrators. and definitely their families.  I offer this assessment to you in case you are wondering whether or not your teenager might have a problem.  If you feel that he or she does, please don't hesitate to call me Crescent Hill Counseling, 502-419-1698.  Thanks!

Teen Drug Abuse Assessment

Read each question carefully and completely. Take as much time as you need to reflect on each question. This tool is of no help to you if you refuse to answer each question honestly. Answers are completely confidential. No personal information is requested and your answers are not saved. Remember, if you cheat, you're only cheating yourself.

Yes    No 1. Have you found drug paraphernalia or other evidence of drugs (such as pipes, rolling papers, eye drops, or butane lighters)?
Yes    No 2. Has the teen borrowed increasing amounts of money from you (the parents) or friends?
Yes    No 3. Does the teen steal?
Yes    No 4. Have you noticed abrupt changes in mood or attitude?
Yes    No 5. Have you noticed withdrawal, isolation, depression, or fatigue?
Yes    No 6. Has there been a sudden decline in attendance or performance at school or work?
Yes    No 7. Has there been sudden resistance to discipline at home or school?
Yes    No 8. Have there been more frequent or more intense temper outbursts?
Yes    No 9. Has the teen lost interest in hobbies or sports?
Yes    No 10. Have there been changes in the teen's eating or sleeping habits?
Yes    No 11. Is the teen hanging out with a new group of friends that you suspect may use drugs?
Yes    No 12. Is the teen more secretive about his/her actions or possessions?
Yes    No 13. Have you noticed a drastic change in the teen's appearance or has the teen lost interest in his/her appearance?
Yes    No 14. Does the teen have frequent headaches, nosebleeds, or other physical problems with no medical reason?
Yes    No 15. Do you sometimes smell chemicals or drugs?

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Total 'Yes' 0 (out of 15 possible)

Interpretation Based on your answers, the teenager is probably not abusing drugs. Get help for your teen if you still feel there may be a problem with drug abuse.

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All calculators are made available as self-help tools for your independent use with results based on information provided by the user. All examples are hypothetical and are for illustrative purposes only. Calculated results are believed to be accurate but results are not guaranteed. Health and Parenting Assessments address subjects that may be of interest to the general public. These assesments should be used for education about medical conditions only and are not for providing medical diagnosis. Only a health care professional can diagnose and recommend treatment. Users are advised to promptly check with a physician if a medical condition exists or is suspected.

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Updated 05 Jul 2007