After watching this, you will never, ever complain again about anythng!! What an inspiration this man is!!
Hope to see you this week!
Alice
Sunday, October 26, 2008
Sunday, October 19, 2008
How to Talk to a Man...Communication Between Men and Women
I can't think of anything we do more often ... AND ... mess up more often ... than the process of communication. In fact a large percentage of what we say gets misinterpreted, and a large percentage of what we hear is misunderstood.
A reader sent me an example. She said, "My husband and I were dressed and ready to go out for a New Year's Eve party. We turned on a night light, turned the answering machine on, covered our pet parakeet, and put the cat in the backyard. We phoned the local cab company and requested a taxi."
"The taxi arrived, and we opened the front door to leave the house. Unfortunately, the cat we put out in the yard, scooted back into the house. We didn't want the cat shut in the house because she always tries to eat the bird."
"So I went out to the taxi, while my husband went inside to get the cat. The cat ran upstairs, with my husband in hot pursuit. Waiting in the cab, I didn't want the driver to know that the house would be empty for the night. So I explained to the taxi driver that my husband would be out soon, that he was just going upstairs to say goodbye to my mother."
"A few minutes later, my husband got into the cab. 'Sorry I took so long,' he said, as we drove away. 'That stupid thing was hiding under the bed. I had to poke her with a broom to get her to come out! She tried to take off, so I grabbed her by the neck. Then, I had to wrap her in a blanket to keep her from scratching me. But it worked! I hauled her butt downstairs and threw her out into the back yard!'"
"The cab driver sped off and hit a parked car, he was so shocked."
Well maybe you get shocked too ... when you try to communicate ... and the other person just doesn't "get" it. And that's especially true when you try to communicate with a person of the opposite gender. More often than not, there's a lack of communication.
That's why I developed and taught the first university course in the nation ... way back in the 1970's ... on "Communication Between The Sexes." And that's why I continue to research and teach on this topic in such venues as my annual marriage enrichment cruise.
Of course, you may be well aware of the fact that men and women DO NOT
understand each other much of the time. And there's a biological reason for that. Neuroscientists tell us men and women process information differently. When they're engaged in a mental task, for example, in the man's brain the areas involved in the task are concentrated in a few centers. In the woman's brain, multiple sites throughout the left and right hemispheres are active. So it's no wonder why men excel when focusing on one issue at a time while women have an edge when it comes to multitasking.
That being the case, let me address a very controversial topic: HOW DO YOU TALK TO A MAN? After all, I've heard so many women say, "Sometimes talking to the man in my life is like banging my head against a brick wall. He just doesn't listen, or he's irritated, and doesn't respond." So women ask, "What works when you talk to a man? How should I do it?"
Try these techniques.
=> 1. Describe the importance of what you're about to say.
Let the man know when you're about to say something that needs his
close attention. Tell him you want to have a serious talk.
In other words be direct. Women have higher concentrations of the
neurotransmitter dopamine in the part of the brain responsible for language
and memory. Put simply, many men just don't "get it" as quickly as women do when it comes to communication.
So be direct. If you want something, ask. Don't hint.
=> 2. Get rid of distractions.
As I said, men don't multitask as well as women. So don't expect to have a decent conversation with a man who is watching TV or reading a newspaper.
You may need to get out of your male boss' office or your husband's
workshop if he tends to look at those things or keep on fidgeting with
some task while you're talking.
=> 3. Ban the blame.
Don't open the conversation with an attack on his poor communication
skills. That almost never works.
Instead of saying, you never listen or you never remember from one day to the next what we talked about, start with a positive comment. It tends to warm up and open up the communication channels. Say something like, "I know you really care about our relationship," or "I have no doubt you want what's best for our department."
=> 4. Ask for what you want.
Men are programmed to solve a problem when presented with one. But a
solution may not be what the woman is after. Sometimes she simply wants
to vent frustrations or talk through potential solutions.
If you're a woman, you're much more likely to get the response you want if you tell the man what you want from the conversation. And tell him at the beginning of the conversation. You might say, "I'd like you to listen to some of the options I'm considering, but I don't want you to tell me what to do." Of course, if you do want an answer, ask him directly what he would do.
=> 5. Say what you mean.
As so many women say, "Why should I have to ask him to unload the
dishwasher? I want him to see that I'm tired and just do it."
Dr. Marianne Legato, the author of "Why Men Never Remember and Women
Never Forget," says that's baloney. In her words, "It's lovely when the people in our lives anticipate our needs, but expecting it without going to the trouble of making our needs known is nothing more than setting a trap."
You've got to SAY what you mean -- for a very simple reason. Men tend to miss or misread body language. Research has found that men have much more difficultly identifying facial expressions than women do, especially on the female face.
And women use a lot of facial expressions to communicate ... which leads to frustration for both parties. The woman feels she has communicated her needs through her rather obvious body language ... which the man may have missed. So he doesn't respond to her needs. The woman ends up feeling like her needs are being ignored, and the man feels exasperated by what he considers to be her unreadable body language.
So SAY what you mean. And going back to point four above, ASK for what
you want.
=> 6. Stay focused.
Don't generalize by saying, "You never finish on time." And don't drag up past history, such as "That's just like the time you forgot my birthday ten years ago."
Unfortunately, that's easier said than done. When women commit a situation to memory, research shows there's extra blood flow to the part of her brain that stores and retrieves those situations. So it's easier for women to bring up incidents from the past.
You've got to stick to the subject at hand. Stick to the current challenge. If you bring up too many situations, the chances of having a productive discussion are very slim.
=> 7. Don't talk too long.
In one of my presentations, I use a PowerPoint slide, showing a teacher
talking to her class. The caption reads, as the teacher talks, "It's my job to talk and your job to listen. I hope you don't finish your job before I do."
The same could be said about male-female communication. Men seem to
have less stamina for extended conversations than women do. So watch for
the clues that say he's bored or losing patience. There's not much use in pushing on if neither of you is at your best. It may take a few short talks ... rather than one long, dragged-out discussion ... to get the job done.
=> 8. Review the takeaways.
Boil down your 5, 10, or even 60 minute conversation into 1, 2, or 3 succinct take aways. Summarize the key points that were said, any decisions that were made, and what the next step will be -- if any. You increase the chances the conversation will stay in everyone's memory.
There is nothing in life more important than the ability to communicate effectively. And if you're going to communicate with a man, you will be well served if you start with these tips.
A reader sent me an example. She said, "My husband and I were dressed and ready to go out for a New Year's Eve party. We turned on a night light, turned the answering machine on, covered our pet parakeet, and put the cat in the backyard. We phoned the local cab company and requested a taxi."
"The taxi arrived, and we opened the front door to leave the house. Unfortunately, the cat we put out in the yard, scooted back into the house. We didn't want the cat shut in the house because she always tries to eat the bird."
"So I went out to the taxi, while my husband went inside to get the cat. The cat ran upstairs, with my husband in hot pursuit. Waiting in the cab, I didn't want the driver to know that the house would be empty for the night. So I explained to the taxi driver that my husband would be out soon, that he was just going upstairs to say goodbye to my mother."
"A few minutes later, my husband got into the cab. 'Sorry I took so long,' he said, as we drove away. 'That stupid thing was hiding under the bed. I had to poke her with a broom to get her to come out! She tried to take off, so I grabbed her by the neck. Then, I had to wrap her in a blanket to keep her from scratching me. But it worked! I hauled her butt downstairs and threw her out into the back yard!'"
"The cab driver sped off and hit a parked car, he was so shocked."
Well maybe you get shocked too ... when you try to communicate ... and the other person just doesn't "get" it. And that's especially true when you try to communicate with a person of the opposite gender. More often than not, there's a lack of communication.
That's why I developed and taught the first university course in the nation ... way back in the 1970's ... on "Communication Between The Sexes." And that's why I continue to research and teach on this topic in such venues as my annual marriage enrichment cruise.
Of course, you may be well aware of the fact that men and women DO NOT
understand each other much of the time. And there's a biological reason for that. Neuroscientists tell us men and women process information differently. When they're engaged in a mental task, for example, in the man's brain the areas involved in the task are concentrated in a few centers. In the woman's brain, multiple sites throughout the left and right hemispheres are active. So it's no wonder why men excel when focusing on one issue at a time while women have an edge when it comes to multitasking.
That being the case, let me address a very controversial topic: HOW DO YOU TALK TO A MAN? After all, I've heard so many women say, "Sometimes talking to the man in my life is like banging my head against a brick wall. He just doesn't listen, or he's irritated, and doesn't respond." So women ask, "What works when you talk to a man? How should I do it?"
Try these techniques.
=> 1. Describe the importance of what you're about to say.
Let the man know when you're about to say something that needs his
close attention. Tell him you want to have a serious talk.
In other words be direct. Women have higher concentrations of the
neurotransmitter dopamine in the part of the brain responsible for language
and memory. Put simply, many men just don't "get it" as quickly as women do when it comes to communication.
So be direct. If you want something, ask. Don't hint.
=> 2. Get rid of distractions.
As I said, men don't multitask as well as women. So don't expect to have a decent conversation with a man who is watching TV or reading a newspaper.
You may need to get out of your male boss' office or your husband's
workshop if he tends to look at those things or keep on fidgeting with
some task while you're talking.
=> 3. Ban the blame.
Don't open the conversation with an attack on his poor communication
skills. That almost never works.
Instead of saying, you never listen or you never remember from one day to the next what we talked about, start with a positive comment. It tends to warm up and open up the communication channels. Say something like, "I know you really care about our relationship," or "I have no doubt you want what's best for our department."
=> 4. Ask for what you want.
Men are programmed to solve a problem when presented with one. But a
solution may not be what the woman is after. Sometimes she simply wants
to vent frustrations or talk through potential solutions.
If you're a woman, you're much more likely to get the response you want if you tell the man what you want from the conversation. And tell him at the beginning of the conversation. You might say, "I'd like you to listen to some of the options I'm considering, but I don't want you to tell me what to do." Of course, if you do want an answer, ask him directly what he would do.
=> 5. Say what you mean.
As so many women say, "Why should I have to ask him to unload the
dishwasher? I want him to see that I'm tired and just do it."
Dr. Marianne Legato, the author of "Why Men Never Remember and Women
Never Forget," says that's baloney. In her words, "It's lovely when the people in our lives anticipate our needs, but expecting it without going to the trouble of making our needs known is nothing more than setting a trap."
You've got to SAY what you mean -- for a very simple reason. Men tend to miss or misread body language. Research has found that men have much more difficultly identifying facial expressions than women do, especially on the female face.
And women use a lot of facial expressions to communicate ... which leads to frustration for both parties. The woman feels she has communicated her needs through her rather obvious body language ... which the man may have missed. So he doesn't respond to her needs. The woman ends up feeling like her needs are being ignored, and the man feels exasperated by what he considers to be her unreadable body language.
So SAY what you mean. And going back to point four above, ASK for what
you want.
=> 6. Stay focused.
Don't generalize by saying, "You never finish on time." And don't drag up past history, such as "That's just like the time you forgot my birthday ten years ago."
Unfortunately, that's easier said than done. When women commit a situation to memory, research shows there's extra blood flow to the part of her brain that stores and retrieves those situations. So it's easier for women to bring up incidents from the past.
You've got to stick to the subject at hand. Stick to the current challenge. If you bring up too many situations, the chances of having a productive discussion are very slim.
=> 7. Don't talk too long.
In one of my presentations, I use a PowerPoint slide, showing a teacher
talking to her class. The caption reads, as the teacher talks, "It's my job to talk and your job to listen. I hope you don't finish your job before I do."
The same could be said about male-female communication. Men seem to
have less stamina for extended conversations than women do. So watch for
the clues that say he's bored or losing patience. There's not much use in pushing on if neither of you is at your best. It may take a few short talks ... rather than one long, dragged-out discussion ... to get the job done.
=> 8. Review the takeaways.
Boil down your 5, 10, or even 60 minute conversation into 1, 2, or 3 succinct take aways. Summarize the key points that were said, any decisions that were made, and what the next step will be -- if any. You increase the chances the conversation will stay in everyone's memory.
There is nothing in life more important than the ability to communicate effectively. And if you're going to communicate with a man, you will be well served if you start with these tips.
Sunday, October 12, 2008
Staying Calm during Times of Financial Turmoil
The financial news is bad and getting worse every day.
How do you stay calm and hang on to your investments? How do you resist the urge to panic?
"I don't pay any attention to how I'm doing. I only open my investment statements once a year," says Dan Richards, president of Strategic Imperatives Corp., who helps train financial advisers.
He files his statements and opens them in December, when he meets with his own financial adviser. That's when they review his investments and tweak them for the coming year.
This would be a strategy that best applies to long-term investors holding diversified mutual or exchange-traded funds, as opposed to individual stocks.
Ask him how much his portfolio has dropped this year and he can honestly say he doesn't know.
"My solution is that I just don't think about it. I haven't looked at my account online or on paper since the beginning of January."
How do you stay calm and hang on to your investments? How do you resist the urge to panic?
"I don't pay any attention to how I'm doing. I only open my investment statements once a year," says Dan Richards, president of Strategic Imperatives Corp., who helps train financial advisers.
He files his statements and opens them in December, when he meets with his own financial adviser. That's when they review his investments and tweak them for the coming year.
This would be a strategy that best applies to long-term investors holding diversified mutual or exchange-traded funds, as opposed to individual stocks.
Ask him how much his portfolio has dropped this year and he can honestly say he doesn't know.
"My solution is that I just don't think about it. I haven't looked at my account online or on paper since the beginning of January."
A woman named Heather has this to say:
"My husband and I have a significant (to us) amount of money invested in mutual funds. The failure of the Wall Street bailout to pass the House caused the Dow to drop 777 points yesterday - the largest one-day point drop in history.I track our investment portfolio in Microsoft Money, and when I signed on yesterday, I nearly had a stroke! We lost $1500. In ONE day. Add that to the consistent quarterly losses that we've endured over the course of the last year, and you have the formula for severe depression.I'm not a person who is comfortable with financial risk, and a loss like this is very upsetting to me. I know that we're not the only people in this situation, and while I'm not a financial expert by any means, I do hope that I can offer some words of comfort to those of you who may be struggling with fear and anxiety during these trying economic times. Here are just a few thoughts:1) Don't panic! Remember that retirement investing is long term investing, and people who wait out dips in the market are typically much better off in the long run than those who panic and sell. Timing the market usually doesn't work - don't make long term mistakes based on short term events.2) Remember that there have been markets like this before. In the 11 years that I've been investing, I can remember 2 - 1998 and 2002- and each time it felt like the world was coming to an end. However, each time turned out to be much shorter lived than we thought it would be. In 2002 we had a definite recession, and some stocks that lost two thirds of their value regained it all within 12 months. While past performance does not guarantee future results, this is still encouraging to know!3) Now is the time for thrift. If you haven't started saving toward an emergency fund, start now! Even if you can only save $10 a week, it's better than nothing! Your ultimate goal should be to save 3-6 months of gross income. My husband and I currently have 6 months of gross income in a savings account that yields about 3% interest. I can't tell you what a comfort that cushion is to us! We know that if my husband gets hurt or sick, or his workload drops drastically, we have something to fall back on. During scary economic times when everything seems out of control, frugality can help you regain control of your money, which will help you feel safer and less anxious. "
Sunday, October 5, 2008
Dr. Cash returns from Italy trip!
Hello to all my clients, former clients and friends of Crescent Hill Counseling! I returned last night from a wonderful two-week trip to Rome, Florence, and Sorrento, Italy! We had a great time and ate our way through each city as we saw famous art, sculpture, and architecture. I missed each and everyone of you though and look forward to seeing you in the next weeks and hearing about how your lives are going! You'll see a small photo-album in the waiting area outside my office and I hope you'll flip through if you're interested! Here is this weeks article:
Coping with Change
It’s been said that the only constant in our world today is change. As we look back over our marriage to this point, we would have to agree.
We have faced our fair share of uncertainty, surprises and transitions. In a period of just eight years, we experienced:
A move into our dream home, which Denise had designed
The loss of this home, along with a business
Three forced changes of careers
A move away from our family and friends in Northern Ontario to Toronto then to Vancouver
The loss of Denise’s father to leukemia in 6 weeks
The words “imposed change” were part of the fabric of our life, and on the stress scale, we should not have made it as a couple.
Coping with change is never easy. Most of us resist it, because we are comfortable and secure in our world as we know it. And yet, if change is an inevitable reality of life (and it is), then we’d better be prepared to respond when the unexpected comes knocking on our door.
We’d like to share with you some principles for dealing with change, which we developed as we moved through these experiences. Because change comes in countless different forms, every situation is unique. Nevertheless, these lessons will be helpful for you to keep in mind and adapt to whatever circumstances you may face.
1. Recognize That You are in Change
As we have said, most of us have a natural aversion to change. We have a tendency to want to stick our heads in the sand and hope that it will go away by the time we come up for air.
This strategy may provide short-term relief, but it never helps in the long-run. Denial does not make our problems disappear; instead it usually makes things worse by giving us less time to think through a reasoned response. Instead, when unexpected circumstances arise, it is best to face them head on.
2. Honestly Face Your Fears
Not every person has the same tolerance to risk. Some adventurous souls actually relish the adventure of new situations. Others like their life exactly as it is: nice and predictable. For these people, the idea of change produces fear. We recommend developing an accountability relationship with another person. An accountability partner can give you the encouragement you need to press on.
3. Communicate, Communicate, Communicate!
John Kotter, Management Consultant and Author, writes that one error leaders make during times of change is that they underestimate the issue of communication by a factor of 10. Certainly the same is true of couples. In order to successfully navigate change as a couple, it is vital that you be on the same page with one another. You need to know how your spouse feels about the impending transition. You also need one another’s wisdom and ideas as you explore all of your options.
If you are approaching a major change in your life, set aside a special date night to talk through the issues with your spouse. Coping with change is difficult enough when we are united; it is much harder when we are pulling in different directions.
4. Take Stock of Your Resources
Anytime unforeseen circumstances arise, a key step is to evaluate the resources you have at your disposal as you deal with the issue. Depending on the specific situation you are facing, your relevant resources could include finances, time, skills, or even other people in your life that can help you through the adjustment.
At times, change might require you to make some tough decisions, like perhaps re-working your budget. For us, it meant the sale of our dream home, to pay off debt. You may need to seek some outside counsel from someone on this.
5. Anticipate Stress
Change is rarely easy; it is often a source of great stress. To make matters worse, you and your spouse may deal with it completely differently. We would suggest that both of you obtain an assessment on your individual styles and how you each handle stress. This will help you to understand one another’s stress reactions and will enable you to work together more effectively.
Times of intense pressure can either pull you together or push you apart. Stress will come, and you need to ensure that it does not divide and conquer.
We have faced our fair share of uncertainty, surprises and transitions. In a period of just eight years, we experienced:
A move into our dream home, which Denise had designed
The loss of this home, along with a business
Three forced changes of careers
A move away from our family and friends in Northern Ontario to Toronto then to Vancouver
The loss of Denise’s father to leukemia in 6 weeks
The words “imposed change” were part of the fabric of our life, and on the stress scale, we should not have made it as a couple.
Coping with change is never easy. Most of us resist it, because we are comfortable and secure in our world as we know it. And yet, if change is an inevitable reality of life (and it is), then we’d better be prepared to respond when the unexpected comes knocking on our door.
We’d like to share with you some principles for dealing with change, which we developed as we moved through these experiences. Because change comes in countless different forms, every situation is unique. Nevertheless, these lessons will be helpful for you to keep in mind and adapt to whatever circumstances you may face.
1. Recognize That You are in Change
As we have said, most of us have a natural aversion to change. We have a tendency to want to stick our heads in the sand and hope that it will go away by the time we come up for air.
This strategy may provide short-term relief, but it never helps in the long-run. Denial does not make our problems disappear; instead it usually makes things worse by giving us less time to think through a reasoned response. Instead, when unexpected circumstances arise, it is best to face them head on.
2. Honestly Face Your Fears
Not every person has the same tolerance to risk. Some adventurous souls actually relish the adventure of new situations. Others like their life exactly as it is: nice and predictable. For these people, the idea of change produces fear. We recommend developing an accountability relationship with another person. An accountability partner can give you the encouragement you need to press on.
3. Communicate, Communicate, Communicate!
John Kotter, Management Consultant and Author, writes that one error leaders make during times of change is that they underestimate the issue of communication by a factor of 10. Certainly the same is true of couples. In order to successfully navigate change as a couple, it is vital that you be on the same page with one another. You need to know how your spouse feels about the impending transition. You also need one another’s wisdom and ideas as you explore all of your options.
If you are approaching a major change in your life, set aside a special date night to talk through the issues with your spouse. Coping with change is difficult enough when we are united; it is much harder when we are pulling in different directions.
4. Take Stock of Your Resources
Anytime unforeseen circumstances arise, a key step is to evaluate the resources you have at your disposal as you deal with the issue. Depending on the specific situation you are facing, your relevant resources could include finances, time, skills, or even other people in your life that can help you through the adjustment.
At times, change might require you to make some tough decisions, like perhaps re-working your budget. For us, it meant the sale of our dream home, to pay off debt. You may need to seek some outside counsel from someone on this.
5. Anticipate Stress
Change is rarely easy; it is often a source of great stress. To make matters worse, you and your spouse may deal with it completely differently. We would suggest that both of you obtain an assessment on your individual styles and how you each handle stress. This will help you to understand one another’s stress reactions and will enable you to work together more effectively.
Times of intense pressure can either pull you together or push you apart. Stress will come, and you need to ensure that it does not divide and conquer.
by Dr. Bruce and Denise Gordon, with Glen Hoos
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